If You Can't Afford To Tip, Stay Home... And Read This Post!

Raise your hand if you have ever worked in the service industry... Keep your hand up if it feels like a life-long dream come true... Yeah, that's what I thought. Wearing an apron and carrying trays full of other people's food 30-40 hours a week is something so many of us have found ourselves doing at some point in our lives. It is a decent job that can pay for a modest existence. We're not splitting atoms or managing hedge funds (because screw that shit!) but working in a restaurant provides enough money to get us to where we really want to be in life- ideally. 

Regardless of which position you hold in a restaurant (I've pretty much held them all at some point) the job can often times feel like you're fighting a war. You find yourself at the end of the day beaten up and exhausted wondering whether it was really worth it. All of you out there that raised your hand at the beginning of this post, we are brothers and sisters of battle and man do we have a lot of war stories! One thing survivors of the service industry are known for is their propensity for bitching. In fact, have you guys heard of The Bitchy Waiter? If not, holy crap are you missing out! This guy is the freakin' Tony Robbins of jaded servers. He started with a blog about the day-to-day gripes and occupational hazards of working as a server in Manhattan. Now his Facebook page has almost 26,000 Likes and his list of 5 things people do to get in the way of good service was recently featured on CNN. This guy has made a name for himself, literally, by being a pissed off voice for the little guy. 

This guy's success should be a big wet slap in the food hole for everyone that still treats their servers like servants. You know who you are... douchebag. I could describe all the pathetic, hateful little shits that are so furious about their own broken lives that they think it acceptable to unload life's frustrations onto the girl bringing your sixth vodka tonic and pretend that it's about how long you had to wait for your well done steak; BUT I will simply let these comments speak for them. These are all comments that followed the aforementioned CNN article:

"Here's a great idea for 'servers'. I will tell you what I want to eat, you go get the food and bring it back to me. We aren't friends, you work here. Period. If you do it right, I MIGHT tip you. Depends. But really, you are NOT that important. This article makes waiters seem way more important that they are." -Rob

Tell ya what, "Rob". How about I come over to where you're livin' the dream and ask you about your daily contribution to the forward progression of humanity? Then if you answer right, I MIGHT not wail on you with a tire iron! Although your chances don't look too good.

Moving on...

"I go to a restaurant to be WAITED ON! When I have my 2-year-old (who expects to be WAITED ON!) with me and the waiter does not give me a bad attitude, I leave a 25% (sometimes even more) tip, because my family got WAITED ON!" -Person

OK, guy, I highly doubt your 2-year-old recognizes the distinction between throwing Cheerios all over your kitchen versus flinging them on to the floor of an establishment that you've come to in order to be WAITED ON! Also, I guarantee you don't tip 25%. Get over yourself.

Oh, sweet Jesus, check out this dude:

"It's simple: If you try to play 'smart' with my kind, not only will you receive $0 as your tip (which means you might need to search your pockets for the kitchen's share) but, if you insist, my kind has no problem in asking to speak to your supervisor. I come to 'your' restaurant by choice and I can leave as easily as long as I exercise my rights within the limits of the law. I can and will make your life as miserable as needed, if provoked. I am not there to hold your hand or make friends with you, but to have a decent meal with my company, and, like it or not, as long as I ask respectfully for 15 glasses of water, your job is to bring them with a smile." -Customer

Holy shit! I don't even know where to start with this moron! My best guess is that his mommy was a waitress and she didn't love him.

Look, people, it's not that serious! If you have a problem with people in the service industry bitching about their "jobs" (yes, we see the air quotes, thank you for that) then stop treating the employees at your favorite restaurants like they caused the Fiscal Cliff or something. Why do you get so fucking enraged at the idea that your food will take another five minutes or that the kitchen ran out of mozzarella sticks? Why should the manager buy you dessert because your salad dressing was supposed to be on the side? And I swear to Krishna if you say to your bartender "I can't taste the alcohol", don't be surprised if she lights you on fire. Oh, and one more thing: if someone that you are dining with requests another drink, please see this as exactly the moment that you should voice your desire for an additional beverage!!!

If these demands are not met, be assured that the unified sounds of the demoralized hostesses, servers and bartenders alike will be heard across the world as a resounding roar until you all stop being such monstrous ass hats!