"But I Don't Wanna!": And Other Phrases Adults Can Never Say

When you were younger, say 14 or 15, what did you think your life would be like 10 years from that time? Or 15 or 20 years from then? The grass looked real green on the other side of that oppressive fence didn't it? The basic concept that most idiot teenagers have of age 18 and beyond is one of essentially doing whatever the hell they want to do with no lame parents "ruining" their lives. That always makes me laugh to see a  dumb kid stomp her feet and scream, "You're ruining my life!" I mean, sure I remember when that was me; I'm not THAT old. I remember that being grounded for two weeks and having to come straight home from school every day seemed like my life was over. This was, of course, before the days of Facebook and texting and all that so being grounded actually meant no outside communication with your friends, but I digress. I had to sit out on a handful of major social events and each time felt like I was being sentenced to 10 years at Guantanamo Bay. I would just sit in my room and seethe and pout and fantasize about the days beyond legal adulthood. I would be able to live where I wanted to live, with whomever I wanted to live and spend my nights doing whatever I felt like doing. Sure I would have to have a job and pay bills, I'm not THAT naive...

Oh, honey! I would give anything to be able to reach through the Time Space Continuum and pat 14-Year-Old Me on the head and tell her how adorable all those concepts are. Then I would bitch slap her right across her face for being such a moron.

Clearly being an adult is absolutely nothing like we thought it was going to be when we were in high school. This is not a progressive notion. We all discovered what it takes to get and keep decent jobs (and what counts as a decent job for that matter), pay bills, feed ourselves on our own dollar, make our paychecks last more than a single weekend, develop and maintain quality relationships and maybe even start our own families. Figuring out all these things basically comes down to one glaringly obvious reality that shatters all the delusions we had of what adulthood would be like when we were kids:

Growing up means doing a lot of shit you really don't want to do!

Think about that for a minute. How much of your adult life is spent doing things that you genuinely do not want to do? 50%? 75%? 99.5%? For some of you, the only thing you do in your day that you actually want to do is sleep! See, I'm slightly more selfish than those people. I haven't quite reached the adult milestone of children of my own yet so I am afforded a larger percentage of my day that I can do things that I actually want to do. I'm writing this blog, for example. However I acknowledge the many things that I very much dislike doing that I just need to suck it up and do because I am a goddamn grown up!

There are an alarming number of "grown ups" these days that haven't really gotten their minds around this concept yet. I see so many people my age that have wrapped themselves so tightly in their denial Snuggies that I truly fear for them. I actually picture these people hiding under a blanket and throwing an actual tantrum , proclaiming loudly, "NO! I DON'T WANNA!" I really do wonder what is going to happen when they reach the age of 35 or 40 when it becomes impossible to hide from that shit anymore.

A recent example of this arose when I made an attempt to get Brandon to start working out with me. I've taken a few swings at this in the past to no avail. A few years ago I got him to complete the first 60 days of P90X and he was psyched about his results. Since then it has been a series of frustrating conversations resulting in my exhaling heavily and giving up. One such conversation took place the other morning. We were sitting in the living room drinking coffee and watching some mindless crap on TV. It was a pretty nasty rainy day and I could tell that if I didn't suggest an activity pretty soon it would be an entire day of Netflix and Candy Crush. The idea made me want to vomit so I told him about a new workout I had been doing that I thought would be fun if he tried it with me. He was not receptive. Somehow we ended up in a very heated discussion about how he hates to exercise.

"I'm not like you. I can't stand working out," he huffs with his eyes fixed on his laptop.

"What do you mean? You think I get out on the trail and skip and laugh my way through the 3 mile course thinking, 'this is so much fun! I wish I could do this all day! La la la!'?!

"That would be pretty funny," he snorts.

"No! I don't run until I damn near fall over because it's super fun. I don't wake up in the morning and get excited about all the push-ups, squats and burpees I get to do that day. Working out is not something I really want to do. I do it because I like how I feel after it's done! I like being in shape. I like being healthy." I can feel myself getting a little shouty. I can't help it. This man is 30-years-old and is basically crossing his arms, sticking out his bottom lip and saying "I don't wanna!"

"I just really don't like exercising. Running is stupid. Why do you want me to do it so bad?"

"So what?" I can't believe I even have to explain this to him. "You're just not going to do it? Is that how it works? I want you to do it because it is a good think to be healthy."
I start speaking in a slow deliberate tone that admittedly is a bit condescending, but I'm really frustrated at this point.
"You are 30. There are measures that need to be taken to remain healthy as you get older. I'm sorry but I don't want to get fat and lazy and I would rather you not do that either."

"I just really hate working out," he grumbles, still fixated on whatever dumb shit is on his computer screen and I'm about 6 seconds away from kicking that thing into the wall.

"Do it anyway!" I yell. I can't take this conversation any further. I am not reasoning with someone who is in the mindset that if you don't wanna you don't hafta... He never did work out with me that day.

In Brandon's defense there are only a few things that he gets this kind of attitude towards. He is a very hardworking man who takes care of his responsibilities very well. Which is why it makes it difficult for me to understand why he would revert to such an adolescent mentality. If he could have debated the whole relatively minor issue of maintaining good fitness in a way that used reason instead of repeating "I don't want to" over and over I may not have gotten so pissed off.

There are so many members of our generation out there that have much more intense cases of the "I Don't Wanna"s. To these people I really want to say: "Grow up and act your age, kiddo! That means doing a whole lot of shit you don't want to do. Yeah, it sucks. It ain't nothing like we thought it was going to be, but get over it!"

Now I gotta go to work...

For Boston We Run!

Photo Credit: cnn.com

There have been a few events in my adult life that have impacted the way I look at my existence. These events have made me rethink my perspective and question how I live every day. The first was 9/11 obviously. I seriously doubt anyone with the comprehension to realize what happened that day has viewed the world the same way they did on September 10th 2001. The second event that shook my world was the massacre that took place at Virginia Tech in 2007. I was in my senior year of college at the time. I felt such an intense connection to the event and the students affected that I mourned the loss as if each of them were my own friends. I couldn't look at the halls of my school the same way. I felt a jolt of terror each time I heard raised voices or a sudden noise outside my classrooms. It was such a spectacular injustice that these kids who were my peers, who were on the precipice of the rest of their lives, had their time on this earth cut short so soon.

It has been only four days since the bombs went off on the streets of Boston. This was to be a day of pure joy. Thousands of people gathered from all over the world to accomplish such an incredible feat of physical and mental strength, pushing their bodies through 26 miles. As someone who dreams of one day crossing that same finish line, while huffing my way through local 5k's, I have such a burning admiration for these people. And on the day of what was supposed to be the culmination of months or even years of training each of those runners' worlds came to a complete stand-still as the streets shook from the blast of the bombs. Precious lives were cut short, hundreds were maimed and their lives changed forever.

I think of a runner who possibly had only moments earlier celebrated crossing the finish line of the Boston Freakin' Marathon for cryin' out loud, one of the most spectacular races in the whole world, only to have her leg blown off because she happened to be standing too close to that trashcan. What kind of sick twist of fate is that? How can something so fucking terrible happen to these victims during such a glorious moment? It just blows my mind.

The day after this horrific tragedy I came across a post in my Facebook news feed. There was a page entitled "Run For Boston 4/17". The creators of the page were urging everyone to get out an run or walk on Wednesday April 17th as a symbol of love and support for Boston. Thousands of people responded almost immediately; it was incredibly inspiring. So when Wednesday came, a day I was due to get in a good run anyway, I had a new reason to drag my lazy ass out on that trail, a new motivation to push my body harder than I ever had before. The reason was so simple- I did it because I can. I did it because I have two legs that work, I have a heart that pumps and I have lungs that breathe. I ran for all those people who can't anymore. I ran because I never want to take my body for granted anymore! I ran because those people affected deserve to know that they have support from millions of people just like me all over this country.

Maybe some may see it as wrong to take inspiration from an unthinkable tragedy. Many people might see this as a time to mourn, and I don't completely disagree with those people. But if we can't take this as an opportunity to make a positive change in our own lives then the bombers win. After 9/11 our country was more unified then it had ever been. We mourned the loss of thousands of lives, sure, but we were not about to let our nation crumble along with those towers. This too is a time to show that we won't back down from terrorists, foreign or domestic. We may never know what the motivation was for this sick act of violence. But I know that I will probably never view my ability to run the same way again.      

If You Can't Afford To Tip, Stay Home... And Read This Post!

Raise your hand if you have ever worked in the service industry... Keep your hand up if it feels like a life-long dream come true... Yeah, that's what I thought. Wearing an apron and carrying trays full of other people's food 30-40 hours a week is something so many of us have found ourselves doing at some point in our lives. It is a decent job that can pay for a modest existence. We're not splitting atoms or managing hedge funds (because screw that shit!) but working in a restaurant provides enough money to get us to where we really want to be in life- ideally. 

Regardless of which position you hold in a restaurant (I've pretty much held them all at some point) the job can often times feel like you're fighting a war. You find yourself at the end of the day beaten up and exhausted wondering whether it was really worth it. All of you out there that raised your hand at the beginning of this post, we are brothers and sisters of battle and man do we have a lot of war stories! One thing survivors of the service industry are known for is their propensity for bitching. In fact, have you guys heard of The Bitchy Waiter? If not, holy crap are you missing out! This guy is the freakin' Tony Robbins of jaded servers. He started with a blog about the day-to-day gripes and occupational hazards of working as a server in Manhattan. Now his Facebook page has almost 26,000 Likes and his list of 5 things people do to get in the way of good service was recently featured on CNN. This guy has made a name for himself, literally, by being a pissed off voice for the little guy. 

This guy's success should be a big wet slap in the food hole for everyone that still treats their servers like servants. You know who you are... douchebag. I could describe all the pathetic, hateful little shits that are so furious about their own broken lives that they think it acceptable to unload life's frustrations onto the girl bringing your sixth vodka tonic and pretend that it's about how long you had to wait for your well done steak; BUT I will simply let these comments speak for them. These are all comments that followed the aforementioned CNN article:

"Here's a great idea for 'servers'. I will tell you what I want to eat, you go get the food and bring it back to me. We aren't friends, you work here. Period. If you do it right, I MIGHT tip you. Depends. But really, you are NOT that important. This article makes waiters seem way more important that they are." -Rob

Tell ya what, "Rob". How about I come over to where you're livin' the dream and ask you about your daily contribution to the forward progression of humanity? Then if you answer right, I MIGHT not wail on you with a tire iron! Although your chances don't look too good.

Moving on...

"I go to a restaurant to be WAITED ON! When I have my 2-year-old (who expects to be WAITED ON!) with me and the waiter does not give me a bad attitude, I leave a 25% (sometimes even more) tip, because my family got WAITED ON!" -Person

OK, guy, I highly doubt your 2-year-old recognizes the distinction between throwing Cheerios all over your kitchen versus flinging them on to the floor of an establishment that you've come to in order to be WAITED ON! Also, I guarantee you don't tip 25%. Get over yourself.

Oh, sweet Jesus, check out this dude:

"It's simple: If you try to play 'smart' with my kind, not only will you receive $0 as your tip (which means you might need to search your pockets for the kitchen's share) but, if you insist, my kind has no problem in asking to speak to your supervisor. I come to 'your' restaurant by choice and I can leave as easily as long as I exercise my rights within the limits of the law. I can and will make your life as miserable as needed, if provoked. I am not there to hold your hand or make friends with you, but to have a decent meal with my company, and, like it or not, as long as I ask respectfully for 15 glasses of water, your job is to bring them with a smile." -Customer

Holy shit! I don't even know where to start with this moron! My best guess is that his mommy was a waitress and she didn't love him.

Look, people, it's not that serious! If you have a problem with people in the service industry bitching about their "jobs" (yes, we see the air quotes, thank you for that) then stop treating the employees at your favorite restaurants like they caused the Fiscal Cliff or something. Why do you get so fucking enraged at the idea that your food will take another five minutes or that the kitchen ran out of mozzarella sticks? Why should the manager buy you dessert because your salad dressing was supposed to be on the side? And I swear to Krishna if you say to your bartender "I can't taste the alcohol", don't be surprised if she lights you on fire. Oh, and one more thing: if someone that you are dining with requests another drink, please see this as exactly the moment that you should voice your desire for an additional beverage!!!

If these demands are not met, be assured that the unified sounds of the demoralized hostesses, servers and bartenders alike will be heard across the world as a resounding roar until you all stop being such monstrous ass hats!

Wanted: Adult Decision Maker. Must Be Able To Start Immediately!

Life is about decisions. As you get older the stakes get higher and basically, shit gets real. As I am currently much closer to 30 than 20 I really miss the days that my decisions consisted of things like what classes I should register for next semester and whether I should spend Friday night working on my market analysis term paper or singing karaoke and drinking $2 beers at a dive in Fells Point. Guess which one usually won out. Ah, the good ol' days. Hell, as long as you dragged your semi-conscious ass into your classroom or to your part-time job at TGIFridays it made no difference how hungover you were. Life was way more forgiving back then. 

Now each decision carries so much weight and possible outcomes and consequences, it's shocking Starbucks hasn't added a Mocha-Xanax Latte to the menu. The endless possibilities can be enough to cripple some of us into refusing to deal with the situation all together; but eventually we all need to grow a pair and start acting like grown-ups. Shit. 

After a recent decision I made blew up in my face like Wyle E. Coyote holding onto a stick of Acme dynamite too long (this isn't a cliched metaphor, it actually happened just like that I promise) my husband offered some insight that softened the blow quite a bit. He said there are bad decisions and there are wrong decisions. 

Example: your rent is a week late and you decide to use all the money you made at your bartending job tonight to partake in two for one drinks with your degenerate drinking buddies. WRONG decision, friend. You were presented with two choices: A. go home, pay rent B. go drink, wake up with headache and empty wallet, don't pay rent. Nothing positive can happen as a result of choosing option B except a funny story about your friend throwing up in a planter outside the bar, which you will eventually realize is just plain sad. 

Second example: You are offered a job that seems like a fantastic opportunity. You leave your current job to pursue said opportunity. What seems like a great opportunity turns out to be a Category 5 disaster. Both new job and old job are completely destroyed. Taking the new job was a BAD decision. There was no way of knowing the outcome of each option. Either you stick with the old familiar job and are left wondering "what if?" or you pursue a new opportunity that could result in a positive and fulfilling experience. Turns out the second option was not a good decision. It sucks... a lot, but shit happens, right? 

Getting older and (hopefully) wiser means making significantly fewer "wrong" decisions. I don't think there is ever a time that you can avoid making "bad" decisions. I mean the kind of decisions that you don't know are bad until the whole scenario plays out. You are either rewarded with a positive outcome or you're left thinking, "Well, shit. That didn't go anything like I hoped it would." 

All that being said, I don't think I have an overall conclusion to draw from this experience except that it really fucking sucks when you make a bad decision! And if anyone has any ideas as to how they can be completely avoided and all decisions for the rest of my life can be good ones that result in a life full of awesomeness, PLEASE contact me ASAP!!

Fitspo vs Fat Pride: Time To Raise Your Standards

Sweat is fat crying. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. You are so much stronger than you think.

I mentioned Fitspo in my last post. For those unfamiliar, Fitspo and its depressed and kind of disturbing sister Thinspo are recent internet trends that are intended to provide motivation to lose weight and attain a perfect body. Fitspo is a shortened version of Fit Inspiration (duh, right?) and if you do a Google image search you will find page after page of smoking hot bodies. I mean, this shit is off the charts, pinnacle of human awesomeness, makes your head explode with jealousy hot. These photos are often paired with motivating one-liners like the ones I mentioned above. They are either intended to light a fire under the fatties or make women with any percentage of body fat over 3% feel like epic failures. Or possibly both.

Thing thing about these photos of incredibly thin women is that people criticize them. A lot! They're not "real women". They don't encourage a positive self image. They set unrealistic standards. They make people feel bad about themselves. I could go on and on... and on. Then there are the activist types who blast messages like, "real women have curves!" and "big is beautiful!" OK, fine. If you're packing some extra pounds and these mantras help you to not have a panic attack every time you look at yourself in your underwear, cool. Also, I can completely get behind all the hate for the previously mentioned horrific world of Thinspo.

Thinspo is not motivating women to be healthy and fit; quite the alarming opposite. These sites promote anorexia, body hatred and protruding bones. As you can see in this picture, these poor girls are in desperate need of a hug and a bacon cheeseburger, not necessarily in that order. Thinspo is just sad.

HOWEVER, this is not the same as portraying women that are the picture of female health and fitness. Curvy women cheerleaders that are hating on Fitspo are the ones with which I happen to have a rather intense problem. So allow me to get to my ultimate point. What is so wrong with promoting virtually zero body fat, flatter than a freakin' wall stomachs and lean cellulite-free thighs? How is this really promoting a negative self image or something that is "unrealistic"? Those bodies are not unrealistic at all, they are just really hard to achieve. 

Hey, guess what... exercising is really damn hard. Counting calories and eating clean is also really damn hard. Limiting your food to natural, unprocessed and low-cal takes almost super human will power. You don't find yourself craving kale salads when you've had a crappy day; at least I sure don't. If people have been pissing me off all day, it's raining and I've got a mean case of PMS I want a chocolate cake. Not a piece, I want to sit a whole cake in front of me whilst sitting on the couch and just take a fucking fork to it. I don't care how much you like your curves, ladies, that is a really bad idea.

If all these "curvy" women are saying they would rather be a size 14 than a size 4, they are LYING! DO you really like the idea of having to defend your size because "this is what the average woman looks like nowadays"? Do you enjoy getting winded when you walk up three flights of stairs? Are you comfortable with your increased risk of dying from a stroke or kidney failure?

It is not OK that the average woman is a size 14. So many women are justifying being just plain fat. These chicks need to cut the shit and raise their standards of health. No one wants you to hate yourself; I'm so not suggesting self-depracation as motivation. Be OK with where you are but don't hold it up as the new face of beauty. Extra fat is unhealthy, not beautiful! I'm not saying that overweight women are not beautiful women. I am saying that praising yourself for being plus size because you think that is the same thing as curvy is not a respectable way to live. Literally working your ass off to get as healthy and fit as humanly possible warrants respect and not criticism. 

Ladies, this Fitspo stuff is not impossible or unrealistic or harmful to society. Yeah, a lot of it is touched up and airbrushed but not all of it. This chick is not photoshopped. This girl worked fucking hard to get that body. This is a healthy woman with healthy curves that should be admired. 

This should be the new normal. This should be the goal. This should not make you depressed or feel like a failure. This should get you ass of the damn couch and start finding out all the great things your body is capable of. 

These Kids Today...

We're called the "Entitled Generation". Spoiled. Lazy. Unrealistic. Narcissistic. Seriously, Google "millennial entitlement" and see what the Wall Street Journal, CNBC and Forbes have to say about us. Even Wikipedia lists the Millennials as "Generation Me". We substitute Facebook and Skype for face-to-face interaction, we send text messages instead of phone calls and watch television instead of reading books. If we don't know something we can just Google it. I mean, who has time for real research? There are actual medical conditions now that result from the overuse of smart phones. So really, who can blame previous generations for being a little pissed at us?

We are kind of entitled. Millennials in general want maximum results with minimum effort. We want to be CEO's and drive BMW's before we're 30. How is that going to happen when we're at happy hour by 5:30? We want A-list bodies but exercise and dieting is really hard! Let's just sprinkle this magic powder on pizza and wait for the weight to just fall off and reveal a smoking hot six pack. Seriously, who falls for that crap? Just shake this 3 pound barbell for 5 minutes a day and you'll have Michelle Obama's arms in no time! Who among us even has a savings account these days? We have at least four different credit cards though! How else are we supposed to get that 50" LED and an iPhone 5? Really?! The very first iPhone was released in 2007 and there have been 6 versions in as many years! SIX! And every time a new one comes out people literally line up in the streets to beg Apple to take their money that they don't actually have. No wonder we're going to be working for China by the time we're 40.

I bitch, but I'm guilty of a little Generation Y laziness and lack of civic duty. I DVR more that 30 different shows, none of which are on CNN, and watch many of them religiously. I admit to having a slightly embarrassing amount of credit card debt that I accumulated purchasing things like a flat screen for the bedroom and an Xbox Kinect that I NEVER use unless it's to stream Netflix. I also am a little ashamed to admit that I have spent upwards of 45 minutes scrolling through Fitspo photos instead of dragging my ass to the gym. As a matter of fact, right now I am putting off taking a shower and going to the grocery store simply because I really don't feel like going anywhere today. I mean, what's so wrong with that? 

In my defense, I do work a full time job that I am very good at that has resulted in a recent and well deserved promotion. Granted, I'm no high level executive but it's a start. I have a college degree that I completed with a very high GPA before the age of 25. I am in very good shape as a result of avoiding unhealthy food most of the time) and working out more than 10 minutes at a time six times a month. I am married to a wonderful guy and we live in a fairly nice house. I haven't lived with my parents since the age of 22 which is more than I can say for a few of my friends that are disturbingly close to 30 years old. Actually, while I'm on the subject, I'd like to say a few things about these people who live with their parents and are over the age of 25. Shit, you really shouldn't be living with your parents after the age of 23 unless you're going through a divorce. 

Let me use my friend, we'll call her Ashley, as a prime example. Ashley is 29 years old. She has lived with her parents pretty much for the entirety of her 20's with maybe one or two short periods of time that she has lived with a boyfriend or a roommate. She has no college degree nor is she anywhere close to one. She has worked at least three jobs in the last year and I honestly can't remember a time that she hasn't wanted to leave her job for another one. There is not really a shred of ambition in this girl and it's really damn frustrating to watch. I love Ashley like family but she is perpetually broke despite her lack of living expenses. The last time I invited her to my house she couldn't make it because she had no gas money. I'm sorry, but there is really no excuse to be almost 30 and unable to come up with a 20-spot. I mean this with all the sisterly love in the universe, Ashley: GROW UP ALREADY!

Yeah yeah, rough economic times and all that; but come on, even waitresses can make enough money to pay a modest rent and keep some food in the fridge. Quit the shit and start pushing yourself. Let's show these previous generations that we're not lazy little brats and we can be contributing members of society. Or, ya know, keep posting the duck face selfies on Instagram and complain about being broke after day drinking on a Wednesday. Whatever.